Christmas is usually a time of giving, caring, and sharing, but if you’re the maker of exploitation movies, it’s also a time for brutal murders by killers in Santa Claus suits, deadly snowmen or, in the case of our screening this month, genetically-engineered Nazi elves with a taste for virgins.
However to ensure that you don’t go a month without viewing some form of cinematic abomination, we’ve come up with five awful Christmas films.
NB: Only Silent Night, Deadly Night Part. 2 is worth seeing…
5. Beethoven’s Christmas Adventure (2011)
Only on this list because we just discovered it existed and the idea of Tom Arnold as a talking St. Bernard simultaneously made us angry and spray coffee out of our nose in laughter.
4. Santa’s Slay (2005)
The first of two of our listed films that star a wrestler.
Here, Bill Goldberg is Santa, who as you know, is the son of Satan and the virgin Erika by immaculate conception.
Back in the day, he lost a bet with an angel and was forced to exchange what used to be an annual day of slaying for an annual day of giving gifts and making merry for 1000 years. Now the bet’s over and Santa is back to his evil, killing ways.
Cue some ridiculous deaths, awful holiday puns (“Time to spread some holiday fear”) and terrible acting – all within 70 minutes.
3. Elves (1989)
This film has everything you need for the Christmas period – pagan rituals, half-human/half-elf monsters that want to enslave the world and Dan Haggerty.
2. Santa With Muscles (1996)
Hulk Hogan doesn’t make good movies. This is not the exception.
It’s just awful, and Hogan is a criminal who believes he’s Santa Claus after getting amnesia.
Only note worthy for starring a young Mila Kunis.
1. Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)
The first ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night’ featured a killer Santa and prompted legendary critics Siskel & Ebert to denounce the entire production team with the word “Shame.” It angered famed critic Leonard Maltin so much that he gave the film zero stars and questioned whether the filmmakers would one day depict the Easter Bunny as a pedophile.
Of course, it got a sequel. A really bad, but hilarious, sequel. Why hilarious?
Well firstly, it uses tons of footage from the original film in “flashbacks,” which even the filmmakers admit was a cost-cutting move.
Then there’s ‘actor’ Eric Freeman’s performance as murdering-brother-of-murderer Ricky Caldwell, whose awful delivery of the phrase ‘Garbage Day!’ led to hundreds of memes.
SPECIAL MENTION: Star Wars Holiday Special
It’s not Christmas, but come on, Light Day is essentially the same thing. Truly awful, but worth watching just for Harrison Ford’s confused expression throughout.
You’ll note, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964) isn’t on this list, because it’s just bad. Really bad.
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