NEVER TOO YOUNG TO DIE (1986) – 8th October, The Station

And you thought the James Bond films could be misogynistic

Never Too Young To Die

Without a doubt, Never Too Young To Die is a  contender for the most 80s film ever made.

It has everything – mullets, a nerdy Asian best friend, rock power ballads, a hero (John Stamos) who’s also a gymnast (very Gymkata!), awkward homophobic dialogue and saxophone-scored sex scenes.

Ahead of the release of the new James Bond film SPECTRE, we’re showing this pastiche/desperate attempt to make a teenage James Bond film.

The film tries to cram everything in that was popular at the time: the DIY gadgets of The A-Team, henchmen that looked like they’ve walked off the set of Mad Max 2 and Gene Simmons, who plays the only villain in film history that also moonlights as a club act.

Gene Simmons - Ragnar
The film’s villain

Rounding out the cast of Stamos and Simmons is Prince’s protegee Vanity (who headed the band Vanity 6 and also appeared in Action Jackson) and even a former Bond in the form of George Lazenby!

With on the nose dialogue (“Ragnar? The hermaphrodite! Half man, half woman!”), the strangest seduction scene ever and some quality stunt dummies, this is ideal for people who both love and loath Bond movies.

Plus Gene Simmons is not so much chewing the scenery, but suggestively sucking it into submission.

When: 8.00pm, Thursday 8th October

Location: The Station, Silver Street, BS1 2AG

Tickets: £5 (OVER 18s ONLY – all profits going to Kids Kino Project)


In this James Bond parody, Velvet Von Ragner (Gene Simmons), an androgynous, leather-bound cross-dressing criminal genius sets out to finish off all of L.A. by contaminating the city’s water supply. Standing in the way of his/her success is Lance Stargrove (John Stamos), son of undercover agent Drew Stargrove (George Lazenby), assisted by Danja Deering (Vanity) who has the requisite sex appeal for her job.

Trailer by Trashcan Cinema


“Every now and then, a film comes along that throws together a group of actors that should never have even heard of each other, much less appeared in the same movie together.”

“This sort of cinematic zeppelin is precisely why we collect VHS in the first place, and just having proof that this film exists justifies the outrageous expense of purchasing it. It was $1.” Film School Rejects

“To quote the back of the VHS box, Vanity and Stamos “must take on the maniacal hermaphrodite.” If that doesn’t pique your interest in seeing the movie, you’re probably dead. And they wrote that like it’s no big, unusual thing. God bless the 80s.” Comeuppance Reviews