24 HOURS. 16 FILMS. ZERO NAPS – It’s our 24-HOUR BAD MOVIE MARATHON for Children In Need! Please donate at www.justgiving.com/BristolBadFilmClub

LIVE BLOG

09:00: Right. It’s 9am. We’re done. Thank you and goodnight. Come hither bed.

07:55: We’ve watched all films with an hour to go. So time for another movie: WILD BEASTS: an entire zoo goes wild on PCP!

07:20: Morning’s here.

06:55: Almost there…

06:00: Oh Bill, what are you wearing?!

05:20: This night has been quite a slog. We need a pick-me-up. Can IMPULSE with William Shatner as a killer gigolo save us?

05:15: That’s weird. The Pretenders – If There Was A Man from THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS is used at the end of CANNIBAL MERCENARY.

03:45: Well that wasn’t great.

What time is it now? CANNIBAL MERCENARY time!

03:20: This cheap ALIENS/TERMINATOR/BLADE RUNNER/MAD MAX hybrid was getting rather dull… but then the hero got his arm ripped off. Yay!

02:10: It’s been downhill since PAROLE VIOLATORS. Could AMERICAN CYBORG: STEEL WARRIOR change that?

02:00 The sound for ZOMBI 4 is out of sync by 8 secs. It’s not helping general tiredness.

00:45: Thank Christ, that’s over. Never again. Right. ZOMBI 4 – aka ZOMBIE FLESH EATERS 3! Give us some action!

00:30: SCIENCE CRAZED is killing us slowly. We just watched a 5 min scene of a woman reading out countries. For no reason.

23:50: What the hell is happening?! Anyone?! ANYONE?! It won’t stop…

23:25: Our 11th movie: SCIENCE CRAZED!

23:20: PAROLE VIOLATORS is the best film of the day (so far)! Most action packed movie you’ll ever see!

23:05: Ok, we’re calling it. PAROLE VIOLATORS is the GREATEST FILM EVER MADE for $50.

22:25: The ‘hero’ in PAROLE VIOLATORS is a complete ass hat who deserves the beatings he gets.

22:10: Where would you film a flirting scene? In this film, the director opted for auto repair shop. Complete with sound effects.

22:00: Well, that was weird. Time for our TENTH film of the day!

21:00: HALFWAY THERE!

Kirk, you old dog. We know why you chose to do this film…

20:40: Almost halfway there. Now it’s Kirk Douglas and Farrah Fawcett in SATURN 3!

20:30: Behold the glorious ending of THE NINJA SQUAD (just watch the last 10 secs)

20:20: Like most Godfrey Ho films, this is two very different films edited into one. Probably the worst film so far, but we’re curious to see if Richard Harrison’s Pink Ninja Master can defeat the evil Ivan The Red.

19:40: How do you identify a ninja? They always seem to wear a headband saying ‘Ninja’. And they’re white men apparently.

19:20: Everyone in THE NINJA SQUAD is dubbed with Aussie accents. This makes everything 100% more hilarious.

19:05: CYBORG COP was actually great fun! Now it’s time to bring the quality level down with some Godfrey Ho!

18:20: David Bradley is eating an apple, Alonna Shaw is eating a banana. SYMBOLISM.

18:15: John Rhys-Davies is doing a weird Yorkshire accent, a robot just punched through a man’s face and the film has turned into ROMANCING THE STONE with cyborgs. It’s pretty fun!

17:40: Film No. 7: CYBORG COP. Definitely not a ROBOCOP/TERMINATOR rip off…

17:20: CARNOSAUR 3 is essentially a cheap ALIENS remake with a weird mysognistic streak running through it.

However the Vasquez character is played by Justina Vail from the 90s show Seven Days.

16:55: “Hi, I’m Sexy Scientist. I’m here to provide titalation and talk about dinosaurs…”

16:20: So it appears you never learn who killed Captain Alex. How misleading.

Film No. 6: CARNOSAUR 3: PRIMAL SPECIES!

16:10: Bruce Campbell can’t explain ICEBREAKER’s ever-lasting countdown.

16:00 TIGET MAFIA! WELCOME TO UGANDA!

15:45: This film is insane. INSANE!

15:15: It’s time for Uganda’s first action film WHO KILLED CAPTAIN ALEX?

15:10: “He was a dickhead…” Classic Stacy Keach.

15:00: The three-minute countdown on this bomb has been going on for 10 mins.

 

14:30: So far, so “Die Hard in a ski resort…”

“Summit Restaurant. Opened since 1950 apparently…” Bruce Campbell is nailing the tone of this film.

13:55: Evil Bruce Campbell just threw a man out of a helicopter! “Leave like a man…”

13:45: THE SOLDIER had the most convuluted plot ever, but it did feature a Porsche jumping The Berlin Wall. Now, it’s time for Sean Astin vs Bruce Campbell in ICEBREAKER!

12:45: THE SOLDIER’s Ken Wahl looks just like Brandon Routh (Superman Returns)

 

12:30: After the epic slowness of ZAAT, THE SOLDIER opens with a hell of a bang! And AMERICAN NINJA/DELTA FORCE star Steve James is in it! And Klaus Kinski! This bodes well…

12:20: Zaat: You’ll believe a monster will constantly trip over things. Now, onto Film No. 3 – THE SOLDIER!

11:45: The film just had a musical interlude with a bunch of hippies singing about Jesus. What the hell are we watching?!

11:30: ACTUAL DIALOGUE – “I’ll cause underwater life to triumph over all other living creatures. I will adapt myself to a permanent underwater environment. All other humans will be conquered. I can not – I WILL NOT BE STOPPED! I will select a mate with utmost care, and together we will create a whole new aquatic race!”

11:20: Oh God, it’s so slow… Please sponsor us at https://t.co/0NVERJrz6L for enduring this.

11:10: “The sheriff’s getting more and more calls about this walking fish….”

And some extra just dropped the N-bomb!

11:03: So much stock footage of sea creatures…

10:40: STEEL DAWN is finished and wasn’t bad. It probably had the most production value we’ll see all day.

Now it’s time for ZAAT: A mad scientist turns himself into a waking catfish! His opening evil monologue about how he’ll rule the universe once he’s a sea creature has us sold already.

10:20: The kid actor in this is so bad. And so slow. Who the hell would have cast him? Oh wait, the director is his dad.

10:00: Swayze’s hair in this is glorious. Glorious.

09:35: Lots of familiar faces in this: Anthony Zerbe, Arnold Vosloo and that big guy from Blade Runner…

09:20: The rain is so loud, the TV volume is up as loud as it goes!

09:00: And we’re off! First film – STEEL DAWN. Patrick Swayze is sporting a glorious mullet and slaying mutants. Apparently this was made in the same year as DIRTY DANCING. Brian May did the score too. Hoping for great things.

THE SCHEDULE (The below timings are a rough guide and may be over/under by 5/10 mins!)

9am: Steel Dawn (1987)

Patrick Swayze stars in a Mad Max rip-off!

10.30am: Zaat (1971)

A scientist combines his DNA with that of a catfish!

12.00pm: The Soldier (1982)

A special agent must stop terrorists threatening to denote a nuke in a Saudi oil field!

1.30pm: Icebreaker (2000)

Sean Astin (Lord of the Rings, The Goonies) must stop terrorists who have taken over a ski resort!

3pm: Who Killed Captain Alex? (2000)

The infamous Ugandan action film with special FX like you’ve never seen!

4pm: Carnosaur 3: Primal Species (1996)

Special forces vs. genetically modified dinosaurs!

5.30pm Cyborg Cop (1993)

Totally not a Robocop cash-in!

7pm: The Ninja Squad (1986)

Godfrey Ho’s ninja ‘classic’… after Ninja Terminator!

8.30pm: Saturn 3 (1980)

Kirk Douglas and Farrah Fawcett battle an 8ft robot in the asteroid fields of Saturn!

10pm: Parole Violators (1994)

A TV show host becomes a vigilante when his girlfriend’s daughter is kidnapped!

11.30pm: Science Crazed (1991)

A mad scientist injects a woman with an untested growth serum!

1am: Zombi 4 (aka Flesh Eating Zombies 3)

A female reporter teams up with commandos to fight zombies in the jungle!

3.30am American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (1993)

The only fertile woman on Earth must hide from a killer robot!

5am: Cannibal Mercenary (1983)

Apocalypse Now meets Cannibal Holocaust!

6.30am: Impulse (1974)

William Shatner is a killer gigolo!

8am: Octaman (1971)

A team of researchers discovers a strange mutation of man and octopus!

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